An Open Letter

Today I decide to talk about things as they are, I don’t have to stay silenced or closed on what I’ve lived.

Why do this now?

Because I am a person that feels, lives and suffers like anybody else.

Why do I have to keep quiet about something that happened to me? Something that has happened to many others. That, sadly, many others still live with today and are afraid to leave a situation that is not good for them. Or is harmful.

Thanks to the toxic relationship I had, I’ve learnt (and keep learning) to value myself, to love myself, respect myself and to put boundaries in place for others and for myself.

I am rebuilding my essence. I am smiling again, truly, to be wearing what I want to wear, expressing myself how I want to, talking to anybody I want, doing what I like, being my true self again, seeing people I like, not allowing others to talk badly about my friends or the people I see. I learned to trust in me. It was very hard though!

I thought certain abnormal behaviours were normal in a relationship. I realised I’d lived anguished, guilty and afraid. I was living to do the best, so that other person would not get upset or think the worst of me. Day after day, I lived with a constant fear that was paralysing me. I was worried about making a person happy who wanted everything for himself … All of this I kept secret from everyone around me, trying to bury my head in the sand and avoid reality, because I had the illusion that one day everything would change and because this way of life became normal to me.

Have you ever had to justify how bad your partner makes you feel?

Living always afraid because you don’t know how your partner would react?

Have you ever felt that your fears become a part of you?

Have you ever been blamed for everything by your partner? Accused of being unfaithful with whomever? Of always lying? Blamed for the bad dreams your partner had the previous night? Accused of talking too much?

Have you been told day after day to be the person they dream to have? Even at the physical level? And you feel bad, insecure and keep trying to make him happier and making sure he has everything he needs.

Have you ever been told that you need to work harder to reach their level?

Have you ever stopped being yourself to please another person?

Have you started avoiding people to stay away from trouble?

Yes, to all those questions above, yes. I want you to know that I also lived this and I learned.

I learned to stop depending emotionally on the other person, I learned that if he is upset, it is his problem not mine, I learned that if his demons eat his head up it’s not my fault, I learned to stop being manipulated, I learned that indifference hurts and it is a terrible way of harming, I learned that the person who loves you would never say you are crazy when he is the one acting crazy, I learned that a person who loves you won’t say that all his mistakes were because of me, I learned that when someone loves you he won’t say ‘you get the worst of me’, I learned that someone who loves you does not discharge his rage with punches, hurting me and justifying his madness, his jealousy, his demons.

I learned that someone who loves you, loves himself too and that if he doesn’t he will never know how to love, because he doesn’t know how to. 

I learned that I have myself, to be happy with myself… and all of this I learned because I could wake up and while more time goes by, I see clearly all the shit I was in. 

I choose to say this out loud today because the fake guilt, shame, and fear have gone and there is no good in keeping this a secret anymore… now I have the courage to say this and to tell myself I will never allow myself to be in this situation again, because I am not guilty for someone else’s misfortune, each person decides what affects them, what life to live and what they value. I am not responsible for someone else’s happiness, that is dependence.

I am myself, I deserve attention, respect, honesty, loyalty and that other people want to enjoy life with me. The idea of a relationship is not based on just one person being happy.

I have learned to listen when someone says your relationship is not good, that the person you love is not good for you. I will trust in my intuition, that one you feel in your womb, because if I have doubts it means it is not for me. I will forever understand that love is true, it does not hurt. I will listen to myself, because I know more than I think.

Today, I continue learning to love myself day after day, to accept myself, it has been difficult! But I know I can because I have the strength inside me and my own divine self that guides me. I have freed myself and become stronger, found my voice and sparked my own transformation.

I didn’t tell my story before because of fear, shame, because I didn’t love myself enough. Today I choose to say it, to grow in all the senses of the word. It’s wonderful to be on this path!

I can trust in myself, I have learned to listen and read the signs of how my body reacts to certain things.

The most important question asked myself was: Do I want this for the rest of my life? This was crucial to wake myself up. I don’t want judgements or comments about this because from now I will speak up when I see violence and possessiveness. I will not support that or say it’s normal.

Stop keeping quiet and shut, stop doubting situations that kill you little by little. I will not let anybody keep me down and I will not let fear paralyse me.

Nobody will ever stop me! I will always shine with the immense light inside me.

— Dominique (a former WS Motueka client)